Freedom

FREEDOM

Elmore County Courthouse

Sounds somber, I thought as I looked at the inscriptions etched in the entrance of the courthouse. The courthouse stood solemn and dignified before me as I'd always imagined. 

Who would have thought, after 10 years of marriage, I would be standing at this place for the same reason over a thousand people do so in similar places every month, divorce?

Divorce. It sounds so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. 

I knew my ex-husband-to-be, Dave, for a year before we got married. When we got married, I thought we were in it for the long haul, but I was wrong. I was so in love I ignored the warning signs and continued to do so years after, even in the face of consequences.

How did it start? I'll have to admit, it was like boiling a frog in tepid water. The frog is unaware, totally ignorant, of its impending death. 

He isolated me from people that cared about me. It was easier for him to do so because I was an introvert. At first, he would show slight displeasure at my friendship with men. He always had a plethora of excuses to justify himself. He didn't want to associate with my family and friends either.

He constantly withheld his affection as a sign of his displeasure. He manipulated my feelings and used them as a weapon to isolate me.

Dave was really good at it; he knew just the right buttons to push, and I always fell for it. I didn't even realize the implications of his actions. Gradually, his dissatisfaction extended to the rest of my friends and family. And before I knew it, I was all alone and too cowardly to reconnect.

Dave made me question myself many times. I remember one time I brought up the fact that I didn't seem to have as many friends as before. Dave had subtly hinted that people, even his friends, didn't like certain aspects of my behavior and when I tried to clarify which aspect of my behavior, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. 

I wondered which was true. Was I really a bad person without realizing it or was I reading too much into things. Either of the conclusions made me doubt myself, but Dave acted like it was nothing. He was gentle and comforting. At some point, I began to think that he was all I needed and that our two-person world was enough. I became dependent on him.

Sometimes I'd lose contact with him for days. It'd leave me very worried and frightened, and when he finally came back, work was his excuse. His job required a lot of traveling, so I thought it was normal.

I'd tell him to at least inform me before going off. He would agree on the surface but never did. Somehow he could always find ways to appease me and make me feel like I was too harsh and demanding.

Other times he would be cold to me for no obvious reasons, and I'd wonder what I'd done wrong again. He kept me on tenterhooks. I was afraid to displease him out of the fear that he wouldn't want me anymore. I mean, he was so good to me. I thought no one would ever be as good to me, and it made me very afraid of losing him.

I repressed myself and stopped doing a lot of things I enjoyed, the things that made me who I was. He showered me with more affection, and I thought I had done the right thing. 

I became unstable, a shadow of my former self. I was depressed too, but I thought I had everything I needed and it was a shame I didn't appreciate it. This went on for years.

My slumber seemed like it would last forever until that day. 

I was out grocery shopping. It was one of the few times I actually went out. I came across a group of people passing out pamphlets. They were part of some kind of organization that fought against abusive relationships and raised awareness. I got my hands on one of their pamphlets. It had an article in it titled Why You Don't Know You Are Hurt.

As I read, it felt like my eyes were finally opened. I didn't even realize it when I started crying. It was like I finally found the answers to all the questions and self-doubt I'd been facing for the past 9 plus years.

I contacted them and from there my life took a new turn. They educated me, assured me, they made me know that it wasn't my fault and I was a victim of emotional abuse for over 9 years.

When I got home, for the first time, I confronted Dave. I observed him, and I noticed all the signs I'd ignored. I realized he didn't love me. Maybe he saw me as a pet he had to keep under his control, or maybe he felt pride seeing me so dependent on him. All of a sudden, his arguments and explanations lost reason. 

I left home the next day. I stayed in a hotel trying to pull myself together, but he found me. That's when I realized that he had also been tracking my movements. He always knew where I went and what I spent my money on. I was appalled and terrified. He tried to bring me back, but I refused. The ruckus we caused made the hotel almost call the police.

Right there, I said I wanted a divorce. I'd never seen him so angry. He looked like someone had stolen something from him. Something he didn't care for but didn't want to let go of because of his pride.

The people at the hotel helped me; they prevented him from taking me back. I contacted the organization again. They gave me a place to stay and helped me file a restraining order. They got me a therapist and a good lawyer to process my divorce.

The divorce procedures couldn't come to an end. Mainly because Dave refused to cooperate.

During that time, I contacted my family and former friends. They didn't blame me as I thought they would. They were supportive. They helped me heal from the wounds Dave had inflicted on me. Sometimes I thought it would have been better if he had hit me. Maybe then I would have snapped out of it faster. Healing was tough, but I soldiered on.

It took me a long time to get to this point, but here I'm today. I'm not completely out of it, but I'm better and stronger. Today, I'll fight to completely cut off Dave from my life. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready.

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